


Ten Years...

by cadkitten



Category: X JAPAN
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Explicit Language, Fluff, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-03
Updated: 2008-05-03
Packaged: 2017-11-14 00:47:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/509541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memorial fic for the tenth anniversary of hide's death. For some, it isn't a celebration of his life. Rather, it reflects the entire thing in a whole new light.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ten Years...

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry to do this... but it haunts me.... If you don't have anything nice to say about this fic, then just walk away. I don't want to hear it. It's a plotline, not reality. If you don't like the fact that it's not a happy fic for the memorial, then don't even bother clicking on it. And let me repeat myself one more time. I DON'T BELIEVE THIS IS TRUE.  
> Song: "壊れていく世界" by Girugämesh

Ten years... I wonder how things would be today if you were still here. Maybe they'd be completely different than they were when you were by my side. Or maybe you'd still be here beside of me, warming my sheets, rather than this cold, empty space where you belong. It's just that I can't help but think of you when this time of year comes around. A single date each year - May second. Really, it's depressing that you had to die on that particular day... _our_ day.

I watch the clouds pass by the window as the day comes to a close. Tears streak down my face and I curl in on myself. I wish I could accept all that happened and move forward... but I can't. You meant the world to me. It took me years not to want to follow you every single day of my life. I wanted to die, just to be by your side once more. The only thing that kept me here was the frail hope that you hadn't done it on purpose; that you hadn't left me behind intentionally.

But now... now I see it all so much differently. Call me tainted, jaded by the world and the cynical view of an older age. But I _know_ you left me on purpose now. You planned the day down to the littlest detail just to stick the knife in and twist it eternally in my gut. I realized that two years ago today. An epiphany from who knows where. But a reality nonetheless. And today just proves it.

You were angry with me. Hurt and seeing the world through someone else's eyes. You saw something and just assumed. That always used to get you in trouble.

I got your letter. Dated April 26th, 1998. How you got someone to hold onto it for ten years and send it only now, I'll never know. You always had your ways, your contacts. Things I never understood.

I've read your words over and over. It's your handwriting for sure and more than certainly your own words. I just can't believe it all ended over _this_. You didn't understand; not that night, not ever. Blind to everything but yourself and lost in the haze of what you wanted to see versus what really happened. I hate you for that. I hate you for what you've done to me. And most of all, I hate you for making me ever love you.

My fingers clench over the paper that's still clutched tightly in my hand. It crinkles loudly in the still night. It's like me... crushed. _I hate you._

The words filter through my mind and I can see the damn paper, even though I'm not looking at it.

_Yoshiki,_

_I used to think I loved you. In fact, I used to love you. I loved you with all my heart and soul. But today you killed me. I saw you and him, behind the studio. I always knew there was something going on between the two of you. He was far too close to you for there not to be. I know he wanted you, but I never thought you'd let him have you. I should have punched him in the face when he told me years ago. But I didn't, because he was **your** friend. I wish I'd known you had something going on with him sooner. Maybe then I could have just walked away. But not now... not today. I can't just let it go... I can't let you go. I'd kill him if it were legal. He stole you away! I had you first and I can't handle knowing you're with him while you're lying to me. I'll make you understand just how much I loved you. You'll see, you'll see it all in just a few days. Our anniversary. May 2nd. Four years down the drain. I'll let you live in bliss for a few more days. I'll even let you have me again so that the memory of it will be fresh in your mind when you find me gone. I'll leave you forever, the only way I can. I'll leave you to him since you want him so bad. Just... just tell him when you get this ten years from now that I hate him. Tell him that he killed me and it's all his fault. Well... really, it's your fault too. I hate you both. You've ended me, ended everything that I can be or ever have been. I'm worthless without you and you've known that all along. It was bad enough you let the band fall apart. But now you've let us fall apart too. I hope you're miserable for the rest of your life, just like I am right now._

_hide_

I feel like I'm dying inside. You meant to hurt me, you meant to hurt Heath. And he didn't even do anything! He still has never told me of anything like what you speak about in this relic from the past. I hate the fact that you ruined my life, _our_ life over a lie! You could have asked me, come to me and talked, and we'd have been fine. I'd have told you I was with him that day behind the studio hugging him because his dog got run over by a delivery truck that morning. He just felt stupid for crying and I was the only one he thought would understand. I can't believe that me telling him we were at your studio and him coming over for a whole five minutes forced everything to fall apart. I'd blame cruel fate, but you weren't taken by anyone other than yourself. You always were selfish. I guess nothing ever changed in that respect.

Well, you wanted me to feel horrible. You wanted me in ruins. You managed all of that without this letter. And now... now you've just driven me in the direction you never wanted me to go. Heath's on his way over here right now. I called him. He needs to know the truth, that you were the most selfish bastard either of us ever knew. And _I_ need to know the truth about if he really wanted to be with me. And if he still does... then I'm here. You left me here. You drove me into his arms. And tonight... tonight I'll change everything.

I won't mourn over someone who left in such a cruel manner. Never again. I loved you until three hours ago. And now I hate you so much more than I ever loved you. Because now I know the truth about who you were in life and who you are in death. Worthless, assuming, and the most hateful person I ever handed my heart to. In fact, the only person I ever did. That'll change. You just threw it back in my face. It was sealed right here in this damn envelope.

Planning your suicide. How much worse can one get? How much lower can one sink? And just to plan it to make it hurt me more when I did nothing to deserve it. _I fucking hate you!_

The doorbell rings and I shove myself off the bed and head to the door of my home. Heath's standing there, looking distraught and upset. He looks worse than I do. I hold out my arms and he all but falls into them, his entire body shaking.

"I'm so sorry..." he trails off into a sob and he's breaking in my arms. I pull him inside and shut the door behind us. I can only find one reason he'd be so upset and I know it's you. You did to him what you did to me, didn't you?

I lead him into my bedroom and help him to lie down and then crawl in next to him, holding him until he stops shaking. Finally, he wipes his eyes and looks up at me. "It's all my fault. If... if I hadn't owned that damn dog, hide would still be with you!" He sounds so sure that that's the answer. I'd told him nothing of my letter and yet he knows. You sent him one too, didn't you? Some part of me wonders just how much worse his was than mine. Judging by his reaction, it was a hell of a lot worse.

I lean in and rest my head on his shoulder for a moment and then spill my soul. "It wasn't your fault. He always took things wrong, you know that. You couldn't control that your dog died anymore than I could control that hide did. But hide at least had a damn choice. He took his own life to try to teach us both a lesson we didn't even need to learn." I'm silent for a moment and Heath's still trembling ever so slightly against me. He's finally put one hand on my waist, but that's as far as his hands go, not even willing to give me the hug he normally would. He's blaming himself so deeply for what's only your fault. I hate you even more. I can't believe I was so blind as to love you.

"If I-"

I cut him off, unwilling to hear anything but what I know to be the truth. "No. hide made his choice and he never even stopped to think that it was the wrong one. I don't care what he said to you in a damn letter. He sent me one too, but hell if I'm going to let it hurt me. He hurt himself and he's the one losing out. He was a selfish prick and that's all there is to it." I sound pissed. I never sound like this. Well... just one more thing that's your fault. "He can go fuck himself wherever he is now."

He's crying again. I know he is and I pull him as close as possible, trying to stop the tears from falling any longer. It's not his fault. Why won't he believe me? It's all hide's fault. I've always cared about Heath and he's always been there for me. Maybe I can call this pathetic shit you sent fate. Fate to push me and him together. A fate you created. "Be with me...." A simple statement, but how will he respond?

He actually embraces me now, resting his head on my chest as he shifts himself closer. I smile as I tighten my arms around his torso. His voice is low when he speaks, but I hear it all the same. "Just promise you'll always stay."

"I'm not him. I never will be."

"Promise."

"I promise." A single statement, a sworn line. I'll keep it forever, Heath. I won't break you if you won't break me in return. _I need you here._

Another thought, the last one I'll ever let go to waste over you. _I forgive you for leaving me._

**The End**  



End file.
